All posts by Jeff

Happy Anniversary to Us!

Note from JK:  The following is a letter written by the little girl (as an adult) whose childhood abuse I partially described in the previous posting – “A Legitimate Rape Question.”  As in that article, I have used pseudonyms to protect people’s privacy.  The letter addresses the question, “Can victims of sexual terrorism find true love?”

 

Dear Mom & Dad,

Well it has been nineteen years and what a ride!

There we were, on a beautiful spring day, sitting on the porch at your house in Payson. Dad made a call to someone he called Raymond to ask if he could meet us for dinner. Dad said he was a poor man with a deformed back. Well, I figured what harm could it do?  Afterall  I was poor, and I had a deformed back!  Dinner at El Rancho Restaurant sounded like an innocent enough night out.

I had been feeling pretty ill from physical and mental stress. I was underweight, depressed, afraid of life as I knew it. Well, we went to the restaurant, and we waited…..After a bit we thought that maybe he wasn’t going to show, so we ordered.

Two men were near our booth talking, one of them a very big man, with a strong voice (Later I was told that man was a radio disc jockey). The other man was very, very handsome! Smooth voice, slender body, mature looking, a mustache that reminded me of my favorite cowboys, Doc Holiday. I tried not to stare, not knowing this was the man I was about to meet and spend the rest of my life with.

I was completely flustered that he sat down right next to me!!!! I couldn’t breathe. I looked at his profile and saw his chiseled face, black hair, slight receding hair-line, and handsome as ever, eyes that were like that of a Greek god that swept away the innocence of any thoughts I was thinking.

I looked for the deformity in his back, of course, and it was not as I had been told. As a matter of fact, this man had the body of an athlete. I swept my nose across his path to smell him without being noticed, and he smelled deliciously of musk, amber, and the smell that must be what they say attracts a man to a woman and vice-versa. I became so nervous and suddenly realized I hadn’t done anything with myself to show that I was even in existence. I slowly became more comfortable and began to converse.

After dinner we retreated to Mom and Dad’s place. I could see Mom approved and Dad was quick to give me a glance of approval too. The three of us went up into the tree house out back, the most beautiful tree house ever, to this day, been up in. We shared stories, and we laughed. We shared things in the night air, things about ourselves that would forever stay with us.

Mom decided to go inside and await Dad’s arrival for the night. Dad had set this all up. He had known that Raymond was a gentle and beautiful man. He loved Raymond. He had gotten to know Raymond before I did. When Raymond said his goodbye’s and prepared to go home to the little trailer he shared with his big dog Dakota, he started to walk away.

I walked him out, and asked him if I could hug him. He looked so surprised, yet turned to me, put his strong arms around me. I smelled his scent again. Wow!!!! I went to bed that night with the feelings I had never had before. Dad came into the room with a smile, approaching the bed to hug me goodnight. He asked me if I enjoyed the night, if I liked Raymond, a smile on his face, and then we both laughed in synchronicity.

I told him I was in love for the first time in my life, that I was scared, that I was happy. “What do I do?” I asked him.

His reply was perfect, “Just be yourself. Just let it happen. If it’s meant to be, it will be.” He turned to me as he left the room and said “I love you. I’m so glad to see you happy. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you smile and laugh like you did tonight. Remember to just be yourself. You are beautiful just the way you are. Take it slow. Let him call you. Don’t chase him. I’ve got a feeling he will be calling you soon. Goodnight my daughter. I love you.”

I looked at him with tears in my eyes, with only joy and an overwhelming sense that my life was going to be changed forever for the better. For once I was alive with a healthy and functional love. Also I felt an exceptional amount of love from a father, a father figure I never had in my life before he married my mother. He was looking out for me.

A beautiful night in March, four people got together and changed the course of my life forever for the better. What a wonderful night. What a great father. What a great mother. What a wonderful man named Raymond that sat down next to me and said, “Hello, I’m Raymond. Nice to meet you.”

He said yes to going to the tree house. He took a chance. We all did. Thank you Dad. Thank you Mom.

You are in both of our hearts tonight, in our memories of that wonderful time, that wonderful night we all connected in a restaurant booth, in a tree house, in this goofy world, . . we had a great experience that will last a lifetime.

How does “Thank you” do justice? I love you forever for all that you give, all that you are, all that you have been to me. Thank you for life as I now know it – happily married, happy with the family we have become.

Happy Anniversary to the four of us!!!!!

We were all there when it happened.

Goodnight.

Forever you daughter,

I Love You,

Emily Fawn

Stealin’ Horses

THE FIRST TIME I SAW A HORSE RUN

A Forever Memory

Ready to Run

I have become a sixty-year-old grandfather, and I am happy to report that I still sometimes see my life through the eyes of a boy. How much I have learned. How much I might still discover.

As a student and therapist in the field of childhood sexual abuse for thirty years, I know some things, and “firsts” are monumentally important in life. For many of the children I have worked with, I was the first man they ever got to know who treated them with the parental respect every child is entitled to as a birthright.

Now I have seen a lot of horses run. I grew up with the inventions of color television and Technicolor movies. Children and adults all over the world love to watch American cowboy and Indian films. In my lifetime I have seen moving pictures of thousands of horses runing. But horses in the flesh are what stick with you a lifetime.

Carol, my beloved wife of twenty-six years, often calls up her memory of a horse she saw from the window of a moving train when she was a girl. She is sure the horse was racing the train just for her pleasure. What us Indians and cowboys know is that horses can race with spirit winds and commonly talk with girls and boys who are naturally open to hearing them.

*

Sonny Starved

Jaunary 1st of 2011, Paulden, Arizona. From our dining room window, Carol and I watched five horses starving to death next door. She took me aside and gave me that look she used to give me when we were saving sexually abused children for a living. As she pointed, she told me, “That one is not going to make it, it’s time to take him.” She was pointing to the faltering stud who had broken his penis while trying to mount a mare through the pipe-fence. In spite of calls to the owner, his penis hung un-retractable and untreated for two weeks like a heavy lump of spoiling raw hamburger.

Sonny’s Infection

We knew we were going to make the sheriff and livestock officers’ lives more difficult, but as the antiquated livestock laws of Arizona are written, officers cannot intervene until the horses are inevitably at death’s door. As our daughter Mary has regularly reminded me in the over-quarter-century of my fatherhood to her, to do less that what is necessary would be to fail altogether. That woman has a lot of her mother in her.

Once we had decided and conspired with our neighbors to do what we would do, we quickly began to see the humorous side, and we laughed about it. I told Carol in Mary’s presence, “If they take me away in handcuffs, Sweetheart, my dear wife, I will roll over on you in a heartbeat, get immunity, and testify that you were the ringleader!”

Carol said her and Bob, the neighbor who stole the other three starving horses that night, she said that she and Bob were going to sit in jail playing cards, and when the other inmates asked what they were in for, the two of them would look up and say in unison, “Horse thievin’!”

The livestock officer was a former hostage negotiator for the Coconino County Sheriff’s Department and was very good at his job.  He eventually brought us together with the owner and brokered an arragngement in which the woman signed over the horses, all of us avoiding jail time and lawsuits.  Then began the long process of saving Sonny.

*

Wolf Hugs Horse

Our son I call Lame Wolf. Most people know him simply as Wolf. He is of the Choctaw tribe. His wife I call Two Antelope. The four of us are of mixed bloods and varied personal life stories, but we share the traditions of Native People and mainstream Christianity. We are a family learning to blend in many ways.

It was Two Antelope who used this thing they call the internet to create a Facebook page to which a couple of hundred strangers responded. Until that time, I had little use for this e-technology. She showed us all that an ordinary person with a passion and commitment could relieve suffering. She and all those who responded ultimately lit a fire under me to learn how to use this 21st Century communications to reach out to people for a good cause.

It was Wolf who was inspired to invent the device that soaked Sonny’s fully-extended penis over sixty-five times over a five-month period. A flexible bladder inside the cut-off leg of a pair of jeans, neatly sewed together on the end, the top hemmed with a wide strap, suspended around Sonny’s waist by a soft three-inch strap, which could be fastened over his rump with a sturdy plastic version of a seat belt clip.  We came to name this baggy denim condom the “Sonny-Soaker.”

*

It was Dr. Lane Kihlstrom that brought Sonny through the most critical time. Great vets are amazing people to behold and make every encounter a learning experience for us amateurs. It was he who sat on the ground under Sonny and used surgical scissors to cut away the dead tissue of the penis. Dr. Kihlstrom had people who we never knew who contributed funds to Sonny’s medical recovery. It was he and his assistant Kim who taught me how to pull a horse by the tail while applying diaper-rash ointment over Sonny’s abdomen.

There was Susan Gonzales and all the folks at Warren’s Hay-N-More in Chino Valley who offered guidance on nutrition and was the collection center for donations of hay and blankets. There were all the people who donated old bed-sheets, out of which I could construct a soft, porous horse-jock-strap which held Sonny’s penis up against his abdomen in a horizontal position, thereby maximizing blood-flow to his healing over the critical early months.

There were countless people we met who brought out feed, offered encouragement, contributed dollars over that year.  Sonny slowly came back from emaciation and infection.  It took eight months for Sonny to gain the health he needed to survive the rare and complicated next medical step.  I searched for months for a way for Sonny to be gelded and have his penile-amputation.  I told everyone I spoke with, “I just want to someday see him run like a real horse.”

For a year and three months. Sonny carried that heavy pendulum of scar tissue underneath him while we lived with the concern that if the poor boy had an erection, unable to retract his penis, the blood would pool, coagulate, and Sonny would die.

Post-surgery profile

It was Karen Pomroy of Equine Voices Rescue & Sanctuary who rode to the rescue. It was she who connected with Carol Grubb of Arizona Coalition for Equines, and Dr. Taylor of Arizona Equine Medical & Surgical Center in Gilbert. It was Karen who connected with Ruthanne Penn in Flagstaff who transported Sonny from Paulden to Gilbert. It was Ruthanne who connected to Melissa and Paul Ambrose of Atlasta Home Horse Rescue in Chino Valley who transported Sonny from Gilbert to his rehabilitation home with them.

Sonny had become a living, breathing symbol, or totem, for our family and all those people involved, of what miracles can happen when a few people of like-spirit come together with many people of also-like-spirit and one-plus-one-equals three.  We are transformed by something greater than ourselves.

*

And so it was March 29th, 2012. I walked out into the arena at Atlasta Home to greet my old four-legged friend, who Melissa and Paul had worked with through his post-surgical phase. The four of us of our family came together with Melissa, her mother, and Doctor Karen to see Sonny run like a real horse.

All fears faded away.  A vision manifested beyond our imaginations.

First Time Running Free

Sonny began to run.

I was mesmerized, lost in a dream, watching his flagging tail, his braided blonde mane, his entire body moving and flowing. Captivated in my own experience, I eventually looked back to Carol, arm-in-arm with our son and daughter-in-law in wide-eyed awe.  Tears of joy ran down the face of my wife.  A forever memory for us all.

I shed the tears of a boy seeing his horse run for the first time.

“Wash-tay!” I say to you horse-savers. “Nicely done!” I shout to you. “It has been an honor to meet you all!”

Leaping with Life!

From our family to yours,

Many blessings,

Jeffery Dreamer Kirkendall

Tailgate Talk # 1

Why the tailgate title you ask?

The tailgate of a pickup truck is where working men (and some women) congregate on working-class job sites. It is the “office water cooler” for people who do physically demanding outdoor jobs, using their backs, their hands, their minds, their tools, and heavy equipment on a daily basis.

The tailgate is the desk upon which architecturally sophisticated, fully engineered, globally positioned multi-million-dollar homes are laid out in blueprint form and studied. It is the tradesman’s chat room and lunchroom. It is the boss’s oval office, where policy is laid down, schedules made, people hired, fired, chewed out, and slapped on the back. It is where hands are shaken in mutual respect and final agreement.

It is where a man can sit and rest at the end of the day and talk seriously or laugh out loud with friends It is the place to retell the story of some goofy job someone did years ago, something no one had done before, or a job that went bad, but no one got hurt. Maybe some big shot from Texas came to town and thought he would blow away the small-town local talent. Or some rich guy from California spent a fortune building something wasteful and extravagant.

It is where you stand to hear if your company got the bid, if there is work for next week, if the weather will allow a full eight-hour day, if materials are to arrive, where to turn in

Classic 1982 Chevy, straight-six, 4 spd. w/ granny-gear

your time card, and where to pick up your paycheck.I write about a lot of different kinds of people, but I hold in special regard those folks who go to work in pickup trucks.

* Final note: This here’s the favorite pickup truck of my sixty-year lifetime.  A short-bed birthday gift from my cousin Rocky.  The truck became known far-and-wide on area construction projects as “The War-Pony.”

Do you have a favorite tailgate/ pickup memory?  Share it. Then, if you have a tailgate, go “have a sit down.”  Remember those good times.  It’s good therapy.

 

For This We Thank You

To Employer, Co-workers, Family & Friends,

You have made it possible for us to have a home. You have provided honest work and honest pay. With your help, we have warmed our mobile through the winter months and cooled it during the hot summer days. We have each other. We have food, shelter, and clothing. Our dogs and cats are cared for.

You have been with us through years of medical appointments, hospitalizations, prolonged sufferings and life-threatening times. You have cut and carried firewood, cleaned our home, care-taked, replaced roofs, repaired vehicles, loaned equipment, made donations, provided transportation, and taken risks. You have spoken up, reached out, reached in your pockets, made time, made loans, respected, trusted, prayed, encouraged, and shared your talents and resources. You have held us when we cried and joined us in our laughter. You have given countless gifts of worldly and spiritual value.

We are humbled. We are blessed.

We are inspired to do the same for others.

For this we thank you.

Jeff & Carol
Apache Wells, Arizona.

 

Las Vegas Review Journal !

I have the honor of being referenced in an article by an old colleague of mine.  It is related to the “Legitimate Rape”  article which follows this post.

Check this guy out.  His name is Steven Kalas.

Great brain, reliable moral compass, well-read, prolific writer, talented teacher, truly fine father of three fine sons — making a difference in the world fighting the forces of ignorance and arrogance.

And oh, yeah, last but not least, . . . probably the most intellectually courageous Christian I have had the privileged to know in the past thirty years.

The subtitle of his first book tells us about the man who wrote it.  HUMAN MATTERS: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing.

Click below to read his article.

STEVEN KALAS: Sometimes, to cover our words, we ‘misspeak’

I am Jeff Kirkendall, and I approve this message. . .

A “LEGITIMATE” RAPE QUESTION

Recently a man running for the Senate in Missouri made the statement in public that women who are victims of “legitimate rape”  cannot conceive.  He claimed that some kind of science exists to support this notion that during “legitimate” sexual trauma, as he puts it, “the woman’s body shuts down,” and the egg is not fertilized.

Since hearing this defiance of biological science in the national media, I learned that this falsehood is being passed off as fact and justification for support of abortion being illegal, even in the cases of incest and rape.  As a staunch opponent of ignorance and deception, and as a retired trauma therapist with thirty years of experience, I felt compelled to address this moral issue in writing.

Let me be clear, I am not advocating for or against abortion.  I am stating that there is no such thing as “legitimate” rape, no anti-conception mechanism in the female body and I am asking, “Do you want state/federal government making this choice for you, your child, and family?”

*

Let me describe in generalizable terms a true case I dealt with  years ago which we might all agree falls into that much-discussed category of “legitimate rape” and even has enough trauma to qualify as “sexual torture” or “sexual terrorism.”

A twelve-to-fourteen year-old female child of an average middle-class American family is held in a remote location out-of-state against her will.

Imagine someone you know and love in this  scenario.  Visualize her there.  Say her name out loud.  Set a photo of her next to your computer as you contemplate this scene.

I will call this child Emily.

Emily is heavily drugged and gang-raped for three days.  She is then left naked in a public park at dawn, dazed, bruised, and stained with dried blood and semen.  She is held in a jail cell for the ten hours it takes for her parents to come and pick her up.

In spite of the fact that Emily knows some of her attackers and will see them in her community, no one is arrested, even questioned by police.

Emily’s mother soon discovers her beloved child is pregnant.

What we know is that, regardless of what happens next, Emily and her family will live with the events of those three days for the rest of their lives.  It will permanently change all their major life-decisions and family/friend relationships.  The horror Emily endured will forever periodically haunt her dreams and waking state.

*

QUESTION:    Should Emily and her mother and father be forced by law,  under penalty of imprisonment, to bear the child of her rapists?

ANSWER:        Yes       No     Undecided?       

“Emily” at age 4

*This is not a scientific study. This is a simple inquiry of those who have an opinion.

Forward this question to everyone who might be interested in this issue.  I will post the  results on my website as they come in.  Thank you for your time and considerations.

Respectfully,

Jeffery Kirkendall, L.P.C. Ret.

 

Welcome to our home!

That is my wife, Carol Jarvis-Kirkendall, way off in the distance, in front of our single-wide mobile in Apache Wells, Arizona.  Our Doberman Angel is next to her, and our smaller mixed-breed Sparky is off to the left.  Carol is happiest with her hands in the dirt, accompanied by our four-legged family.

Carol can no longer engage in the kinds of activity she did three years ago when I took this photo. She has required 24/7 assistance almost continually for the past twelve years.  She has endured  chronic pain in one part of her body or another, and most of her medical and psychological challenges are the direct result of damage done to  her body from being physically and sexually abused as a child and young woman.   She nearly died three times this past fall of 2011.

While in fragile health and increasingly dependent, Carol endures as a force of nature, a poster-great-grandmother for “Living gracefully is the best revenge.” She inspires me to strive to be the best man I can be, and she will forever provoke my wonder that in spite of years of suffering hideous abuse, she grew into a person of uncommon kindness who persists in finding the best in people.

As a pioneering clinic director, private practicing therapist, author, lecturer, and as a mother, Carol has been a trusted healing influence in the lives of countless families recovering from childhood sexual abuse for over thirty years.  She is my hero.

Because Carol often now has trouble remembering her great accomplishments in life, I am asking readers for notes of encouragement or congratulations which would be of help in her healing and recovery.  Please, if you are so moved,  “Leave a reply.”

Many blessings to you and your families.

Respectfully,

Jeffery Kirkendall